I have a very manipulative person in my family and for the longest I did not know how to deal with him. Any interaction we had left me feeling upset and questioning whether I had done some wrong in each interaction. Literally almost every time we did anything together, I left the situation feeling pretty low.
As I’m growing towards the best version of myself and trying to manifest my best life, I’ve started developing the presence of mind to recognize what was happening. Once I saw that he was being manipulative I started seeking out resources on how to deal with manipulative people. I found a great article on it from Live Bold and Bloom after a Google search, you can check out the full article here, but I’ve also edited and listed what I found to be the most helpful excerpts and tips below:
You’ve likely encountered people who are emotionally manipulative and controlling. They use passive-aggressive behaviors to get their way or keep you from saying or doing anything they don’t like. Emotional manipulation can be subtle and deceptive, leaving you confused and off-balance. Or it can be overt and demanding where fear, shaming, and guilt-trips leave you stunned and immobilized.
Either way, emotional manipulation is not acceptable, and the longer you allow it to continue, the more power and confidence the manipulator gains in this one-sided relationship. Eventually, any remnant of a healthy connection is destroyed, as the foundation of trust, intimacy, respect, and security crumbles under the hammer of manipulation.
Here are 5 signs of emotional manipulation and tips on how to deal with it:
1. They turn your words to benefit them.
A manipulator has trouble accepting responsibility for their behavior, and often if you call them on it, they’ll find a way to turn it around to make you feel bad or guilty.
You might make a legitimate complaint or point out that they’ve done something improper or incorrectly. like. Instead of apologizing, acknowledging his or her actions, and correcting the situation, a manipulator will say something do something to question the reasonableness or your complaint or make you feel guilty.
They also may apologize, but in a manipulative way.This kind of manipulation is almost worse than no apology at all because it makes YOU feel bad for even asking and expecting them to follow through on something they promised.
Your response: If an apology feels false or if the other person replies with defensiveness or guilt-trips, don’t allow them to get away with it. If you do, it will just empower them to do it again. Call them out for being manipulative and make it clear that a real apology is unconditional and followed by a behavior change.
2. They say something and later deny it.
A manipulator may say yes to a request or make a commitment to you, and then when the time comes to follow through, they conveniently forget they ever said anything.
Unless you have a recording of them making the promise, you can’t really prove anything — so it’s your “bad memory” against their lying words. A good manipulator has a way of twisting a previous conversation or replaying it to suit their needs and make you look forgetful, demanding, or ridiculous. You begin to question yourself and even feel bad or guilty that you challenged the manipulator.
Your response: If you experience a pattern of these bait and switch situations in your relationship, begin to write down exactly what the manipulator has promised. Date it and post it in your kitchen or email it to yourself and the other person. This may anger the manipulator, and they may question your trust or faith in them, but it will make it much harder to deny the conversation later on.
3. They use guilt trips to control you.
This is the ultimate in manipulative, passive-aggressive behavior. The manipulator finds your emotional Achilles heel and pokes it until you either give in or feel like a hound dog.
The emotional manipulator knows how to play the victim role to perfection. They stir up a pot of guilt and sympathy and serve it to you in heaping ladlefuls.
Your response: Find the presence of mind to reassure yourself. You don’t not have to feel guilty for reasonable requests, expectations, and boundries. You are not going crazy. They are playing you for all it’s worth. Don’t fall victim to these manipulative, guilt-laden shenanigans. Don’t give in to their passive demands or requests for sympathy. This person is an adult. Remind them of that, and how they are perfectly able to cope with your decision or actions.
4. They diminish your problems or difficulties in comparison to theirs.
Emotional manipulators don’t care much about your problems — unless they can use them as a platform to highlight their own. They’ll use your problems as a way to highlight or frame their own, or they’ll just ignore them completely.
If you point out how the manipulator just turned the tables, they’ll likely try to make you look selfish and pitiful. They won’t acknowledge their narcissistic behavior or reframe the conversation around your pain or difficulty.
Your response: There’s not much you can do in these situations except walk away and find someone else who is more caring, compassionate, and mature. Don’t expose your vulnerabilities to someone who tramples all over them.
5. They use the emotional back door.
Rather than being direct and forthright, manipulators will sidestep honest communication and use passive aggressive methods instead. They may abruptly end conversations or situations leaving you feeling like you’ve done something wrong instead of them. They also might talk behind your back with others, or ask someone else to be their spokesperson so they don’t have to be the bad guy or girl.
They might use passive ways of letting you know they’re mad or unhappy by pouting, stomping, or giving the silent treatment. Or they might say something supportive, but behave in very unsupportive ways.
Your response: For your own peace of mind, call them out on this behavior. More than likely, you’ll get a defensive, angry reaction, but at least the manipulator sees that you know what they’re up to. If this indirect, manipulative behavior occurs regularly, it’s time for counseling or to consider your exit strategy.
6. They suck the energy in a room.
Manipulators have a way of walking into a room and dragging a dark cloud along with them. They want the attention and focus to be on them, and they want to make sure everyone in the room notices if they are angry, unhappy, or discontented in some way.
People tend to scramble to accommodate the manipulator or to try to help them “feel better.” They might ask, “Are you OK? Is something wrong?” This is just the opening the manipulator needs to feed off the sympathy and energies of others. Being in the room with a manipulator, a sensitive person will feel drained and off-balance.
Your response: If possible, leave the room. Why give away your energy and good mood to a manipulator? If you’re stuck in the room, envision yourself surrounded by an impenetrable barrier that protects you from the negative vibes of the manipulator.
7. They use aggression or anger.
Manipulators often try to intimidate others with aggressive language, subtle threats, or outright anger. Especially if they see you’re uncomfortable with confrontation, they will use it to quickly control you and get their way.
The goal is to foster fear or extreme discomfort so you’ll belly up quickly. Over time the manipulator learns all he or she has to do is get a bit crazy and things will go their way.
Your response: Unless you fear physical violence, call them out on this behavior. If this escalates the anger or aggressiveness, leave the room or the house entirely. If anger and aggression is left unchecked, it can turn to more harmful behaviors. Demand counseling so the manipulator can see clearly what they are doing and how to change their behaviors.
I hope these tips and signs were as helpful to you as they were to me.